Sigh. Ok. I am willing to admit that eating out on day 3 was probably not the best idea. I failed. Utterly. Horrendously >.< but I decided to just go onward and almost pretend like it didn't happen. I thought about feeling guilty, I thought about punishing myself for doing it but then I realised that would be crossing waaaay too close into an ED mindset for me. This isn't what this is about. I really don't want to find myself going that way, I just want to cut down the calories I have a day and start some exercise so that I can drop some dress sizes and hopefully stop some joint pain.
So. Shake it out. Feel confident and go on tomorrow as if it never happened and try to be stronger in the future.
Wednesday, 18 July 2012
"Then lets pig!"
I thought that the first counting hurdle to drag myself over was going to be the weekend but apparantly I'm already facing the one I was really dreading. Eating out. Being taken to lunch by my boss is usually an awesome thing and I figured it would just be a case of checking the menu and picking something low calorie. I did my research this morning and was horrified at the results. Really? A burger is almost a whole days calorie intake!? Shit. I tell you, if you want to feel guilty about eating at restaurants check out the calorie list. I felt horrendous looking at the 2000 calorie meal I have gorged myself on before.
What am I supposed to eat? I have read this list at least ten time and the only thing under 400 calories that they serve is jacket potato with beans.
Its like a moral dilemma. I would be more than happy with that. In fact I will probably be stuffed after that! But its going to be the amateur dramatics involved in persuading the other person that is all I actually want >.< I'm skipping mid morning snack in an attempt to make up for the cola I want!
Its the first time ever I'm not looking forward to eating out :(
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Already a couple of days in....
The first day (Monday, they always say the worst day to start a diet, but meh, I went for it) was an eye opener. I think I started off doing a whole lot of things wrong. A high calorie main meal in the evening that despite the numbers had no starch or carbs, no snacks during the day and a small breakfast. The result being that I spent most of the day feeling dizzy, sick and tired. It was horrendous. Getting to the evening just made me feel like crying as my main meal was yammed down my throat and did nothing to help with the hunger cramps in my stomach. I went to bed early and I resolved to do better the next day.
Today felt a lot more comfortable. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried to be more positive. Its so pathetic to think that all I'm doing is cutting out 200 calories from what a normal female should eat a day and yet I feel like I am fasting completely. I realise its all about finding your comfortable eating times and knowing when you are going to be your most hungry. I am going for a small breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and then an evening meal packed with veggies. I feel quite held back in the sense that I seriously despise all raw foods, this blocks out a whole section of awesome dieting foods: salad. Making up for that with vegetables is hopefully how I'm going to get through it!
Its just a case of knowing how many calories are in what, how to spread them throughout the day and variation. I managed to spend a good hour in Sainsburys after work looking like the mad ass lady reading all of the calories on the back of various items. It took awhile but I came away with some awesome meals for the rest of the week. Usually I order food shopping once a month and therefore lack a whole lot of fresh food as it tends to go out of date before the end of the month. Starting in August I am going to trial getting my shopping weekly. This means that I am more likely to get some good stuff because I wont have to be bothered to go to the shops anymore! :)
Things I have learnt on this short journey so far:
Today felt a lot more comfortable. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried to be more positive. Its so pathetic to think that all I'm doing is cutting out 200 calories from what a normal female should eat a day and yet I feel like I am fasting completely. I realise its all about finding your comfortable eating times and knowing when you are going to be your most hungry. I am going for a small breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and then an evening meal packed with veggies. I feel quite held back in the sense that I seriously despise all raw foods, this blocks out a whole section of awesome dieting foods: salad. Making up for that with vegetables is hopefully how I'm going to get through it!
Its just a case of knowing how many calories are in what, how to spread them throughout the day and variation. I managed to spend a good hour in Sainsburys after work looking like the mad ass lady reading all of the calories on the back of various items. It took awhile but I came away with some awesome meals for the rest of the week. Usually I order food shopping once a month and therefore lack a whole lot of fresh food as it tends to go out of date before the end of the month. Starting in August I am going to trial getting my shopping weekly. This means that I am more likely to get some good stuff because I wont have to be bothered to go to the shops anymore! :)
Things I have learnt on this short journey so far:
- I need to drink more. Seriously, on the first day I felt like even my eyes were drying up in their sockets! Just like the idiocy of the salad; I dislike water. So I think my next mission is to find a low calorie squash that I can just drink until I cant stop peeing.
- Snacks. Its important to have low calorie snacks in between meals, even if its just one. Today I went for an extra bowl of cereal mid morning and an apple in the afternoon. Tomorrow I have a bag of microwave brussel sprouts for the afternoon and a Nutrigrain bar to try in the morning.
- Wasting calories. The previously mentioned apple was the biggest waste of calories I can see. I love the taste of fruit but it does nothing to fill me. Once I had eaten it I couldn't believe that I had just wasted 100 calories on something so pathetic. Guh. Lesson learnt on that one!
- Keep going! :) I can do this, I just need to stop being pathetic and keep going. I came home from the supermarket bubbling with ideas of what I will eat over the coming week its just a case of getting over this counting thing and starting to make plans of what to eat instead of just grabbing whats available.
Ready, Steady, Crazy
Weight is always an issue. I think that its something thats at the back of just about everyones mind at some point or another. For me it has always come down to an unhealthy amount of laziness, I am really not the person that can be bothered to do anything about something. I would be lying if I said that I've never sat down and though my body looks like some kind of beached whale but I've never been moved enough by these thoughts to put anything into motion. When I tell people my dress size and how much I weigh, most of them are surprised and I dont blame them. I carry my weight extremely well (probably adding to the laziness on my part).
However over the last couple of months (hilariously I have naturally lost a couple of pounds before this) I am finding standing still to be horrendous pain. I can't currently stand still for more than five minutes without getting excruciating pain in my hips, lower back and knees (even my sciatic nerve likes to come and say hey around the ten to fifteen minute mark). This could be caused by a whole lot of things, I already have osteo problems in my hands so this could just be an extension of that, but I think the main culprit is most likely weight. Any doctor that sees me at my current BMI (this is a whole other argument about the meaning of BMI but it doesn't matter the outcome, this is the system that healthcare uses.) will not think about any underlying problems but will tackle the one easiest to see. I made up my mind. To go onwards I must at least make an attempt at losing some of this weight and becoming slightly more in the healthy range.
So where to start? There are so many "diets" out there that it gets a little dizzy trying to look at them all. I really didnt want to try any of these fad diets. No "Atkins" crap for me. This weight is coming off nice and steady and is hopefully not going to leave behind tonnes of skin ;) this idea also left out quite a lot of the "shakes" diets (thank god).
I found myself on the Weight Watchers website really through word of mouth from other people, I have tried some of their "slimming chocolate bars" and they taste freaking amazing so I figured this was a great place to start. To begin with I had utterly no intention of going to meetings, the thought of it makes me shudder but they have started a "play online" campaign so I was quite keen to see what it offered me. Its £10 a month and after the initial information regarding what foods are what points it offered me nothing. The advertising on the website was shit. The Stories Like Yours segment was full of people who were nothing like me. Weight Watchers had already, kindly, told me I was dangerously unhealthy and for my height and how I was way out of the regular weight but was quite happy to show me about people within the average weight-to-height ratio that had just lost a couple of pounds. Yeah. Thats really like my situation. Not. They also do a handy dandy pone app to help you work out points whilst on the move....oh but its only for iPhone users. So those of us mug enough to own an Android get even less use out of a subscription then? Awesome.
I ended up deciding to go alone. Food itself is so bastard expensive anyways, why should I pay money a month for someone to give me nothing in return? I know the daily calorie intake for a woman is supposed to be one 1500 and to give myself an easy start I wanted to go with 1300 a day. A nice healthy goal that should be easy to achieve but still a little hard given how many calories I probably consume in a normal day >.<
Lets do this. Obsess over food. Over numbers. I have to write something down about it. If I dont I will end up either having my brain explode from all the crazy or cause the very few people around me who I have told about the diet to want to kill me.
However over the last couple of months (hilariously I have naturally lost a couple of pounds before this) I am finding standing still to be horrendous pain. I can't currently stand still for more than five minutes without getting excruciating pain in my hips, lower back and knees (even my sciatic nerve likes to come and say hey around the ten to fifteen minute mark). This could be caused by a whole lot of things, I already have osteo problems in my hands so this could just be an extension of that, but I think the main culprit is most likely weight. Any doctor that sees me at my current BMI (this is a whole other argument about the meaning of BMI but it doesn't matter the outcome, this is the system that healthcare uses.) will not think about any underlying problems but will tackle the one easiest to see. I made up my mind. To go onwards I must at least make an attempt at losing some of this weight and becoming slightly more in the healthy range.
So where to start? There are so many "diets" out there that it gets a little dizzy trying to look at them all. I really didnt want to try any of these fad diets. No "Atkins" crap for me. This weight is coming off nice and steady and is hopefully not going to leave behind tonnes of skin ;) this idea also left out quite a lot of the "shakes" diets (thank god).
I found myself on the Weight Watchers website really through word of mouth from other people, I have tried some of their "slimming chocolate bars" and they taste freaking amazing so I figured this was a great place to start. To begin with I had utterly no intention of going to meetings, the thought of it makes me shudder but they have started a "play online" campaign so I was quite keen to see what it offered me. Its £10 a month and after the initial information regarding what foods are what points it offered me nothing. The advertising on the website was shit. The Stories Like Yours segment was full of people who were nothing like me. Weight Watchers had already, kindly, told me I was dangerously unhealthy and for my height and how I was way out of the regular weight but was quite happy to show me about people within the average weight-to-height ratio that had just lost a couple of pounds. Yeah. Thats really like my situation. Not. They also do a handy dandy pone app to help you work out points whilst on the move....oh but its only for iPhone users. So those of us mug enough to own an Android get even less use out of a subscription then? Awesome.
I ended up deciding to go alone. Food itself is so bastard expensive anyways, why should I pay money a month for someone to give me nothing in return? I know the daily calorie intake for a woman is supposed to be one 1500 and to give myself an easy start I wanted to go with 1300 a day. A nice healthy goal that should be easy to achieve but still a little hard given how many calories I probably consume in a normal day >.<
Lets do this. Obsess over food. Over numbers. I have to write something down about it. If I dont I will end up either having my brain explode from all the crazy or cause the very few people around me who I have told about the diet to want to kill me.
Friday, 17 September 2010
Karma, luck, sods law, fate
So this week I had an awesomely hairbrained idea; I figured that perhaps all of this bad luck was coming from the fact that I was so messy/untidy/despised keeping things clean. So in a herioc effort I totally overhauled the whole flat last weekend (also I figured cleaning would let out all of this frustreated angry energy I seem to have at the moment. It didnt. But thats a whole other story). Throughout the week I was careful not to slack at all. I am currently living in domesticated bliss. Alone. Ye thats right, seems like all of my plans fell through again this week, including the second last minute plans I managed to make for this weekend. Gone. Nothing. So thats that idea out of the window. Whats the fucking point of having a sparkly wonderful flat when there is no reward for it?!
I think tomorrow im going to take every piece of clothing I own and throw it around the flat. Then im going to stay in bed all day and sulk like a petulant child. Fuck being an adult.
I think tomorrow im going to take every piece of clothing I own and throw it around the flat. Then im going to stay in bed all day and sulk like a petulant child. Fuck being an adult.
Sunday, 22 August 2010
Masculinity
In my infinite wisdom (and because i pay a fucktonne more money to have it) i decided to have breakfast on the balcony in the sun this morning with my oldest and fattest rat Nemiel. This in itself is just awesome because she perches on my shoulder like a parrot and for the first five minutes of getting her out i feel a little like Pirate Kay! Avast ye scurvy dogs!
I dont know what it is about that balcony, but when the sun is shining and ive got my legs up on the other chair in my garden set i start to feel all profound and wise. No longer do i need any man in my life to make me feel complete. I am female and male enough for all my needs. I am male enough that my breakfast comprised of a can of Relentless and a microwave pizza and when my curtains broke it was me who fixed them! I even managed to forget that every time i open a jar its like a worlds strongest man competition. Oh no, in that exact moment i am the Amazonian lady. I need not these creatures to whom i have recently only experienced being coupled with as liars, cheats and bastards. It reminds me again at how proud i am that this little studio flat is all mine, how lucky i am that i can afford this place all to myself in such a nice area. That i get to sleep in a king size bed to myself, that i know such amazing people online and irl. It even dawns on me that perhaps i could stay like this for the rest of my life, i debate through my head the pro's and con's of getting married, of having a significant other, of spawning children. There are plenty of people doing it! So theres no need to join in with them! Fuck society, i shall live how i see fit...
Then a wasp lands on my foot, i scream so loud im worried afterwards that people may have thought i was being murdered. In an epic battle of dodging and weaving around the vile creature i managed to dash back inside the flat and in a heroic attempt, get the patio door closed before it flies in with me. Success! I survived...until i realise that i left my iPhone and book outside with it -.-
The spell may be broken, but at least a little of the sentiment still sticks <3
I dont know what it is about that balcony, but when the sun is shining and ive got my legs up on the other chair in my garden set i start to feel all profound and wise. No longer do i need any man in my life to make me feel complete. I am female and male enough for all my needs. I am male enough that my breakfast comprised of a can of Relentless and a microwave pizza and when my curtains broke it was me who fixed them! I even managed to forget that every time i open a jar its like a worlds strongest man competition. Oh no, in that exact moment i am the Amazonian lady. I need not these creatures to whom i have recently only experienced being coupled with as liars, cheats and bastards. It reminds me again at how proud i am that this little studio flat is all mine, how lucky i am that i can afford this place all to myself in such a nice area. That i get to sleep in a king size bed to myself, that i know such amazing people online and irl. It even dawns on me that perhaps i could stay like this for the rest of my life, i debate through my head the pro's and con's of getting married, of having a significant other, of spawning children. There are plenty of people doing it! So theres no need to join in with them! Fuck society, i shall live how i see fit...
Then a wasp lands on my foot, i scream so loud im worried afterwards that people may have thought i was being murdered. In an epic battle of dodging and weaving around the vile creature i managed to dash back inside the flat and in a heroic attempt, get the patio door closed before it flies in with me. Success! I survived...until i realise that i left my iPhone and book outside with it -.-
The spell may be broken, but at least a little of the sentiment still sticks <3
Saturday, 21 August 2010
Luck \o/
This year i have been the most unlucky person i know. Fact. Everytime i think i have gotton over the last horrendous ordeal, along comes another one to fuck me over \o/ Im considering actually going on a "My Name is Earl" type mission to try and get rid of all this bad luck that is apparently following me around.
I am putting the above fact about me because before this year i dont think i was too emo/QQ. But now all i seem to be doing is moaning or whining or crying about these crazy things that just keep happening to me. So i am setting a precedent for the rest of the blog i suppose ^_^
A Quick Rundown Chronologically (for those that dont believe my words)
1) my scum bag fiance decides to tell me (by text message) that he has been taking my money but hasnt being paying the rent for the last 6 months. In 3 weeks we will be homeless...Cue him leaving for his parents and me having to find somewhere to live alone in 3 weeks. (please note, i worked everyday, he had 6weeks off for stress and depression, cause y'anno, spending ma money is hard work yo)
2) My brother (who is a paranoid schzophrenic) decides his medication isnt working...but heroin is. Cue him disappearing for a week after telling everyone someone is trying to kill him. (heart failure inc). He also tries to kill himself somewhere in there, only to be rescued by dad at the last minute.
3) My grandpa finally gives up on his 10yr battle to cancer (<3 RIP)
4) My step mum has suspected breast cancer.
5) my brother is back in the psychiatric ward.
I have come to the conclusion that i am either a cold hearted bitch or a complete robot to not have broken down yet.
Either way /roar. This is me. This is my year.
I am putting the above fact about me because before this year i dont think i was too emo/QQ. But now all i seem to be doing is moaning or whining or crying about these crazy things that just keep happening to me. So i am setting a precedent for the rest of the blog i suppose ^_^
A Quick Rundown Chronologically (for those that dont believe my words)
1) my scum bag fiance decides to tell me (by text message) that he has been taking my money but hasnt being paying the rent for the last 6 months. In 3 weeks we will be homeless...Cue him leaving for his parents and me having to find somewhere to live alone in 3 weeks. (please note, i worked everyday, he had 6weeks off for stress and depression, cause y'anno, spending ma money is hard work yo)
2) My brother (who is a paranoid schzophrenic) decides his medication isnt working...but heroin is. Cue him disappearing for a week after telling everyone someone is trying to kill him. (heart failure inc). He also tries to kill himself somewhere in there, only to be rescued by dad at the last minute.
3) My grandpa finally gives up on his 10yr battle to cancer (<3 RIP)
4) My step mum has suspected breast cancer.
5) my brother is back in the psychiatric ward.
I have come to the conclusion that i am either a cold hearted bitch or a complete robot to not have broken down yet.
Either way /roar. This is me. This is my year.
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