Desire. Hunger...."need"

I am so hungry right now and none of this goddamn fucking healthy shit is doing anything. Headache. Shakes. Stomache.

I know its wrong but I crave something filthy. Pizza, steak or burgers. Ugh. Its becoming too much. Must resist.

A Quickie

Just some observations, lessons learnt recently:

1) Low calorie ready meals are low calorie for a reason. i.e they taste like shit.

3) Finding food that fills you at the time but also 3-4 hours later whilst sticking to a calorie controlled diet still eludes me. Even if i somehow manage to squeeze in some kind of carbs in there somewhere it still makes no difference.

4) Weight Watchers on the internet might be shit as hell but their low calorie chocolate bar snacks (only 2 points for them) are utterly delicious and with a cup of tea taste amazing.

5) where as before I would find myself to the point of shaking from hunger if I didnt eat anything by mid morning at work I now can not eat either at all (still get a bit shakey) or til later on. Progress? Progress.

6) I need to get my ass into gear and stop being lazy so that I can actually exercise. Its all well and good sorting out the diet but I think to actually lose weight I need to do something!

Absence makes the heart grow stronger?

Aha! I am back :) it took a little longer than I thought it would to get back into the blogging side of things. A couple of weeks ago I took a full week off work. It meant that I basically moved into my boyfriends house for a full week of relaxing and fun. No way in hell was I going to count calories that week. Nuh huh. So I took the opportunity to eat what I liked again. I wouldn't call it a total binge, it wasn't like I sat and ate til I exploded but still, I ate well! Japanese twice in the week, pizza, roast dinners and lush home cooked meals. It was incredible. Dreamy. Amazing.

As always with brilliant times, they do have to come to an end. On Monday I came back into the diet game with a lot of trepidation. To say that I despised every moment leading up to me going back to work and essentially back on the diet would be an understatement. The usual things made me realise that I had to keep at it: the stupidity of not having my clothes size in any stores, cruising through peoples tumblr and pintrest pages to see all the pics are of those people of slimmer persuasion and the discovery of pictures of me from as fat back as 2007.

This week has been a little less regimented than my first week. Instead of being so harsh on myself and trying to eat things I "thought" I should be eating, I relaxed a little bit. My app made it easy to add together calories and find out the calories of things where I couldnt easily get to the packaging (sausage cobs from the work canteen etc). I think Ive been shocked this week as to how some things have less calories that I thought and some things had more. I kept my meals much smaller than before, decided this month to go for low calorie "ready meals" and then supplement them with vegetables (instead of before when i was trying to have just plain chicken (actually stupidly high calories)). I was a touch more lax on the daily target and I found that it has really worked. Everything in moderation and a loose grasp of the amount I should be eating.

The next step for me is more exercise. I walk 20 minutes to and from work every day, which I think is pretty sweet for cardio but I want something to complement that. Something extra. Im not sure whether to go for more cardio or to do something different like yoga or pilates. The only thing missing from my current bid to lose weight now is the extra exercise! I can do this! I want to walk into a shop and KNOW I can buy something off the rail without having to ask if they have my size or knowing that there is no hope in hell they have it.

:(

Its been over a week now since I started this diet and I can safely say I fucking hate it. No satisfaction from food. Always in a state of in-between. Never quite full but not particularly hungry. Blurgh. I miss carbs dearly (there literally isn't enough calories in the day to accommodate them and when there is the minute portions are barely worth the save).

I've developed a kind of listless emotion towards eating. Like a "what is the point?" kind of an attitude. Dangerously close to ED (in my mind). Last night I ate dinner because I got to the point where I was shaking so bad it was annoying not because I wanted what I was making.

I am really not sure how to counteract these feelings. Perhaps more research is needed to change what I'm eating to something different? Maybe I'm just being a petulant child about the whole thing but meh. I need to shake this attitude because its got to the point where I'd just rather not bother eating if it's not something I want :(

An app!

Have been made aware of an app this morning that can help track calories and supposed weight loss. Being someone that doesnt own a set of scales, and therefore was going to track weight loss by looseness of clothing, turned my nose up at it.

After a little bit of thought I figured that there's no harm in having somewhere to store how many calories I've had and how many I have left. In fact if its going to add stuff up then I am totally up for at least trying it!

.....which is when I became instantly enthralled. Suddenly my walk to work gives me 190 calories (which I don't intend to use) and I can individually add up ingredients and and and wow. Its a great little device! ^_^

Its the simple things

I spent a little time deciding on what I was going to cook on Friday night. I wanted something that didnt give off the "died vibe" because it was for me and my boyfriend. After a little while scouring through some recipe websites (something I did before I went on a diet because for some reason I hate cooking but adore looking at recipes and cooking programs) I came up with a low calorie version of jambalaya. It looked like a pretty easy cook and something I know that my other half would love. All I had to do was ensure that the amount of cayenne pepper I added was as mild as mild can be.

Safe to say that I totally failed on that front. Whilst I could barely eat a few mouthfuls the boyfriend managed to yam his and the rest of mine :P on the plus side he loved it. Which is essentially why I cook in the first place but it meant that I was sat there with no food eaten and still hungry as hell. Taking into account that I didnt use my lunch calories earlier in the day (combination of late lunch and me figuring that I might as well just eat my afternoon snack instead) I wanted to go for something a little crazy. In the end I had swiss cheese and chorizo sandwich on tiger bread. Oh my days. It was just devine.

In my previous entry I was saying just how I rely on food heavily to make me feel good and to satisfy me in some way. Well last night was no exception. That sandwich was almost like a loving hug, it lifted my mood, it made me feel amazing and afterwards I managed to have great sleep. Its going to be very hard to diet whilst I still rely on these kind of feelings from food. I do adore vegetables but there is no way that a 500 calorie veggie and protein healthy meal is going to make me feel as amazing as that damn sandwich did >.<

Oh well. Still onwards, still upwards. I managed to have the sandwich and still stay even with calories which I think is a bit of a success. Also; no hunger. :) love how yesterday I had my snack for lunch and I was totally happy with that! Its certainly not something I want to make a habit of but its nice to know that cutting down even more calories is certainly something thats doable! :)

I can't get no...

Just like with the apple earlier on in the week I am finding more and more disappointing meals/snacks. It takes so much time counting the calories, putting stuff together, knowing what you have left til the end of the day and when it finally comes around to eating it you are left so unsatisfied. Take for example dinner today; I was so frigging looking forward to it, planning had gone into making up the calories of the meal, weighing everything out, it even looked pretty fucking good. Halfway through and I was more than gutted. I mean it tasted ok and all but....it just lacked something. Sure enough within a couple of hours I was already restless and wondering if I had counted wrong earlier and perhaps I had enough for a snack.

Perhaps its more of a mindset that I have to break. Instead of seeing food as what it is, nourishment, I see it more as pleasure, as satisfaction and as comfort. I think this is probably going to be a toughie to beat out of myself if I ever want to succeed at this diet. I don't see any room for true blissful pleasure whilst dieting. Everything seems cut off.

More things learnt:

• A lot of calories on packages are counted in 100grams. It appears that 100grams is a ridiculous amount of food to me. I had 170g of rice with my meal today and it took all of 5-6bites to consume. If that. 
• I don't find myself dizzy or with a headache any more! Thinking after this week I should take down some calories and start exercising to complement it. 
• Variation. I need to find more variation, I have a terrible habit of being lazy and just trying to eat the same things over and over, thinking this could be the reason behind the boredom. Alas I now have the challenge of trying to find energy to spend hours combing through snacks/meals and their calorie worth.

Just feeling a little sad and sorry for myself at the moment. Its day4 and I suppose I am allowed to still feel these cravings and all that I used to eat. Hoping that if I keep going and start seeing the results that the feeling of empowerment and enjoyment will come back :( for now though, just plodding onwards.  

Failed.

Sigh. Ok. I am willing to admit that eating out on day 3 was probably not the best idea. I failed. Utterly. Horrendously >.< but I decided to just go onward and almost pretend like it didn't happen. I thought about feeling guilty, I thought about punishing myself for doing it but then I realised that would be crossing waaaay too close into an ED mindset for me. This isn't what this is about. I really don't want to find myself going that way, I just want to cut down the calories I have a day and start some exercise so that I can drop some dress sizes and hopefully stop some joint pain.

So. Shake it out. Feel confident and go on tomorrow as if it never happened and try to be stronger in the future.

"Then lets pig!"

I thought that the first counting hurdle to drag myself over was going to be the weekend but apparantly I'm already facing the one I was really dreading. Eating out. Being taken to lunch by my boss is usually an awesome thing and I figured it would just be a case of checking the menu and picking something low calorie. I did my research this morning and was horrified at the results. Really? A burger is almost a whole days calorie intake!? Shit. I tell you, if you want to feel guilty about eating at restaurants check out the calorie list. I felt horrendous looking at the 2000 calorie meal I have gorged myself on before.

What am I supposed to eat? I have read this list at least ten time and the only thing under 400 calories that they serve is jacket potato with beans.

Its like a moral dilemma. I would be more than happy with that. In fact I will probably be stuffed after that! But its going to be the amateur dramatics involved in persuading the other person that is all I actually want >.< I'm skipping mid morning snack in an attempt to make up for the cola I want!

Its the first time ever I'm not looking forward to eating out :(

Already a couple of days in....

The first day (Monday, they always say the worst day to start a diet, but meh, I went for it) was an eye opener. I think I started off doing a whole lot of things wrong. A high calorie main meal in the evening that despite the numbers had no starch or carbs, no snacks during the day and a small breakfast. The result being that I spent most of the day feeling dizzy, sick and tired. It was horrendous. Getting to the evening just made me feel like crying as my main meal was yammed down my throat and did nothing to help with the hunger cramps in my stomach. I went to bed early and I resolved to do better the next day.

Today felt a lot more comfortable. I learnt from my mistakes and I tried to be more positive. Its so pathetic to think that all I'm doing is cutting out 200 calories from what a normal female should eat a day and yet I feel like I am fasting completely. I realise its all about finding your comfortable eating times and knowing when you are going to be your most hungry. I am going for a small breakfast, a mid-morning snack, lunch, afternoon snack and then an evening meal packed with veggies. I feel quite held back in the sense that I seriously despise all raw foods, this blocks out a whole section of awesome dieting foods: salad. Making up for that with vegetables is hopefully how I'm going to get through it!

Its just a case of knowing how many calories are in what, how to spread them throughout the day and variation. I managed to spend a good hour in Sainsburys after work looking like the mad ass lady reading all of the calories on the back of various items. It took awhile but I came away with some awesome meals for the rest of the week. Usually I order food shopping once a month and therefore lack a whole lot of fresh food as it tends to go out of date before the end of the month. Starting in August I am going to trial getting my shopping weekly. This means that I am more likely to get some good stuff because I wont have to be bothered to go to the shops anymore! :)

Things I have learnt on this short journey so far:

• I need to drink more. Seriously, on the first day I felt like even my eyes were drying up in their sockets! Just like the idiocy of the salad; I dislike water. So I think my next mission is to find a low calorie squash that I can just drink until I cant stop peeing.
• Snacks. Its important to have low calorie snacks in between meals, even if its just one. Today I went for an extra bowl of cereal mid morning and an apple in the afternoon. Tomorrow I have a bag of microwave brussel sprouts for the afternoon and a Nutrigrain bar to try in the morning.
• Wasting calories. The previously mentioned apple was the biggest waste of calories I can see. I love the taste of fruit but it does nothing to fill me. Once I had eaten it I couldn't believe that I had just wasted 100 calories on something so pathetic. Guh. Lesson learnt on that one! 
• Keep going! :) I can do this, I just need to stop being pathetic and keep going. I came home from the supermarket bubbling with ideas of what I will eat over the coming week its just a case of getting over this counting thing and starting to make plans of what to eat instead of just grabbing whats available.

Ready, Steady, Crazy

Weight is always an issue. I think that its something thats at the back of just about everyones mind at some point or another. For me it has always come down to an unhealthy amount of laziness, I am really not the person that can be bothered to do anything about something. I would be lying if I said that I've never sat down and though my body looks like some kind of beached whale but I've never been moved enough by these thoughts to put anything into motion. When I tell people my dress size and how much I weigh, most of them are surprised and I dont blame them. I carry my weight extremely well (probably adding to the laziness on my part).

However over the last couple of months (hilariously I have naturally lost a couple of pounds before this) I am finding standing still to be horrendous pain. I can't currently stand still for more than five minutes without getting excruciating pain in my hips, lower back and knees (even my sciatic nerve likes to come and say hey around the ten to fifteen minute mark). This could be caused by a whole lot of things, I already have osteo problems in my hands so this could just be an extension of that, but I think the main culprit is most likely weight. Any doctor that sees me at my current BMI (this is a whole other argument about the meaning of BMI but it doesn't matter the outcome, this is the system that healthcare uses.) will not think about any underlying problems but will tackle the one easiest to see. I made up my mind. To go onwards I must at least make an attempt at losing some of this weight and becoming slightly more in the healthy range.

So where to start? There are so many "diets" out there that it gets a little dizzy trying to look at them all. I really didnt want to try any of these fad diets. No "Atkins" crap for me. This weight is coming off nice and steady and is hopefully not going to leave behind tonnes of skin ;) this idea also left out quite a lot of the "shakes" diets (thank god).

I found myself on the Weight Watchers website really through word of mouth from other people, I have tried some of their "slimming chocolate bars" and they taste freaking amazing so I figured this was a great place to start. To begin with I had utterly no intention of going to meetings, the thought of it makes me shudder but they have started a "play online" campaign so I was quite keen to see what it offered me. Its £10 a month and after the initial information regarding what foods are what points it offered me nothing. The advertising on the website was shit. The Stories Like Yours segment was full of people who were nothing like me. Weight Watchers had already, kindly, told me I was dangerously unhealthy and for my height and how I was way out of the regular weight but was quite happy to show me about people within the average weight-to-height ratio that had just lost a couple of pounds. Yeah. Thats really like my situation. Not. They also do a handy dandy pone app to help you work out points whilst on the move....oh but its only for iPhone users. So those of us mug enough to own an Android get even less use out of a subscription then? Awesome.

I ended up deciding to go alone. Food itself is so bastard expensive anyways, why should I pay money a month for someone to give me nothing in return? I know the daily calorie intake for a woman is supposed to be one 1500 and to give myself an easy start I wanted to go with 1300 a day. A nice healthy goal that should be easy to achieve but still a little hard given how many calories I probably consume in a normal day >.<

Lets do this. Obsess over food. Over numbers. I have to write something down about it. If I dont I will end up either having my brain explode from all the crazy or cause the very few people around me who I have told about the diet to want to kill me.